


It's Ok Now

by datleggy



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck is a Good Dad, Christopher is ok don't worry, Crying, Dad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Team as Family, and so is bobby, anxious buck, worried buck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-30 20:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21146399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/datleggy/pseuds/datleggy
Summary: On his day off, Buck takes Christopher to the doctor--just for a cold, no big deal--until it suddenly might be and Buck is alone and nobody is picking up their phone.





	It's Ok Now

Leukemia. 

That’s what the pediatrician says. 

Buck is so sure he’s hearing wrong--he  _ has  _ to be. 

“He’s got some minor bruises on his arms and back, and the blood work shows that his white blood cell count is down, which is worrying. Most likely it’s leukemia, but I can’t say one hundred percent for sure. You need to take him to the ER; they’ll be able to run more conclusive diagnostic tests there.” 

Christopher’s waiting for him out near the secretary's desk, patiently. 

Buck grabs the little plastic trash bin next to his chair and throws up the coffee and the cream cheese bagel and even the pastry he’d eaten earlier in the day, when all he thought Christopher had was a fucking cold. Maybe just a really bad case of the flu.

The doctor tries to comfort him but Buck is inconsolable. He’s wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

That is not what he wants to hear. That isn’t what anybody wants to hear. Fuck. 

“Fuck.” he holds his head in his hands and breathes out hard. How is he supposed to go back out there and look at Christopher’s face and not break? 

The doctor is merciful enough that he lets Buck sit on the examination table and try to get his shit together for a few minutes. 

He calls Eddie as soon as his hands stop shaking for a minute. It goes straight to voicemail. “Fuck.” he tries Bobby, but it rings and rings and nobody picks up. He tries Hen and Chim, but it’s all the same. They’re busy. Of course they are. They’re at work. 

He can’t text anyone that kind of news. It’s just not done. Instead he texts Eddie with a simple “Please call me.” and desperately hopes to hear back soon. He doesn’t know if he can do this alone. 

After he’s done catching his breath Buck exhales and stands up on trembling legs and leaves the office. He wants to wait until Eddie’s done with his shift, but the doctor reminds him gently that something like this is time sensitive, and Christopher still has a fever. It’s not as high as it was the night before, one oh four point six, but it’s still there. 

He schools his face to something neutral when he tells Christopher they’re gonna take a trip to the hospital for some more tests. “Just gotta’ make sure you’re in tip top shape, bud.” he says, helping Christopher up off his chair. He carries the kid to the car and buckles him into the front seat nice and secure. 

It’s only Tuesday. 

On Sunday Christopher had awoken with chills and a slight fever. No big deal. It happens. It’s October, after all, the flu is going around. 

And then at night his fever had spiked terribly and Buck and Eddie had taken him to the ER. 

They’d sent them back home with instructions to keep Christopher properly hydrated and some medicine, which they’d filled in the pharmacy there. The next morning on Monday, they’d taken him to his regular pediatrician for bloodwork and further examination. 

“I should have the results back by tomorrow, but until then just try to keep his fever down, he should be fine with some rest and fluids.” 

That is what the doctor had said just yesterday. 

And now, here he was, driving his kid to the fucking ER because he might have fucking cancer. 

“Bucky, you ok?” 

Buck swallows, realizes he’s shaking again, badly. “Yeah hon, I’m good, sorry, I’m just worried, because I think maybe I left the stove on.” he lies. “Maybe I’ll get your dad to stop by and check to make sure.” 

Christopher nods, smiling. “You’re a firefighter! Can’t cause the fire!” he laughs. 

Buck forces himself to smile. “Yeah, that’d be silly.” he agrees. 

At a red light he checks his phone for any calls or texts, but nothing. He messages everyone in the team “Please tell Eddie to call me”, he knows that’s bound to send some of them into a panic, but it’s all he can do not to freak the fuck out. 

Once they arrive at the hospital Buck starts filling out all the paperwork, giving a nurse Christophers’ insurance card. 

He’s not sure if he should be relieved or unnerved by how quickly they clear a bed for Christopher. 

They take more blood, which Christopher vehemently dislikes. Buck holds his hand in much the same fashion as he did the day before, comforting as best he can, heart breaking when Christopher lets a few tears slip out, sniffling. “Aw baby, I know, I know, it’s almost over, I promise.” 

Afterwards they need to collect a urine sample, so Buck helps him get to the toilet and get the pee into the little plastic container a nurse hands him. 

They need to do a CT scan after that, and when they explain what exactly that is, Christopher shakes his head. “I don’t like that. Buck, can we go please? I feel better.” 

Buck wants to comply and take him home and wrap him up in bubble wrap and never take his eyes off the kid, but he can’t. “Would you feel better if I went in there with you?” 

Christopher nods immediately. “Please.” 

The doctor has no problem letting Buck into the MRI room, and even lets him keep contact with Christopher, if it helps the procedure. 

Buck keeps both hands on one of Christopher’s legs, which stick out from under the MRI machine; he talks to him throughout the entire process, telling him what they’ll be having for dinner later, what type of dessert they’ll gobble down. “Wow, you’re the bravest boy I know Christopher, it’s done, see?” 

Christopher grins at the praise once he’s out of the machine. “Really?” 

“A hundred percent bud. I’m crazy proud of you right now.” 

“Does that mean I can have chocolate ice cream for dessert tonight?” 

Buck laughs. It sounds odd, strained, but hopefully Christopher doesn’t notice. “Of course babe. Anything you want.” 

They wheel Christopher back into his room and keep him hydrated with an IV bag and a nurse walks in every couple of hours to take his temperature. 

“Oh, one oh two point three, someone’s getting better.” the nurse smiles at Christopher. “I’ll be back in a bit to make sure his temp isn’t any higher.” she tells Buck, who nods gratefully. 

They’ve been out all day, Buck doesn’t even know what time it is anymore, but apparently it’s late enough now that Christopher nods off and falls asleep in the middle of watching some show Buck can’t bring himself to pay any attention to. 

Buck waits a few minutes before heading out of the room, asking the nurse right outside at her station to please let him know if Christopher wakes up. “I just really need to make a phone call. I’ll be right down here.” 

She nods in sympathy and promises to call if anything. 

No one has answered his texts yet, and no one has called. Buck tries Eddie’s phone again but nothing. Again. 

He calls Maddie, hoping it’s late enough now that she’s no longer at work--though she does sometimes work the graveyard shift. God, he hopes today’s not one of those days. 

“Hey Buck, what’s up?” 

Buck is so relieved to hear her voice--a familiar voice--that he wants to cry, she must hear the little hitch in his breathe before he managed to reel himself in. 

“Buck? Hey, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” 

“Maddie, God, Mads, I’m at the hospital with Christopher.” 

“What?! Did his fever get worse?” she asks, worried. She knows he’s been sick the last couple of days, but thought he was getting better. 

“I took him to his pediatrician this morning, b-because his bloodwork came back.” Buck shudders, his chest heavy. He can’t cry though, not now. “Maddie he said Christophers’ white blood cell count came back abnormally low and that he’s got some weird bruising, he said it’s probably l-leukemia. Fucking  _ cancer _ , Maddie.” 

“Oh my god, oh god.” he can hear it in her voice, the tears she’s already crying. “Oh Buck, I’m on my way, text me the hospital, I just, I’m not in the area so I’m gonna’ be a little while--god--but I’m on my way, I swear. I’m so sorry Buck. How’re you all holding up?” 

“No one knows. Just you. They’re working. No one’s answering their phones.” he covers his face with one hand, trying to stop from spiralling. If he lets himself cry now he might never stop, and then he’ll have to explain to Christopher why his eyes are red and puffy. 

“Buck, you’re  _ alone _ ?” Maddie sounds horrified. “I’m gonna’ get there as fast as I can, ok?” 

Buck nods even though he knows she can’t see him. “I gotta go. I’ll text you if anything.” he hangs up before she can reply. He struggles to get himself under control for a long time. He needs to shut it off, needs to be strong. For Christopher’s sake. 

It’s another half hour before a doctor finally comes back with results. Christopher’s still asleep, which makes sense. It’s nearly nine o’clock at night now. 

To think that just fourteen hours ago Buck was hanging out in the kitchen with Eddie, eating bagels and sipping coffee, making fun of something dumb he’d said, talking about the doctor’s appointment he was taking Christopher to in a couple of hours. 

Has it really only been fourteen hours? 

It feels like a lifetime ago now. 

God, but he wants to go back to that blissfully ignorant morning. 

Buck asks him if they can take it outside. “He’s resting.” he says to the doctor, as an excuse to step out. The truth is he just doesn’t want Christopher to see him lose his shit. 

The doctor nods in understanding. “So, the tests were all conclusive.” 

Buck can feel the blood rushing in his ears. He’s going to throw up again, except there’s literally nothing, not a single fucking thing in his stomach left. He hasn’t eaten since throwing up at the pediatricians’ office. 

“It’s not leukemia. It is a pretty bad virus, but as long as we keep him here under observation for tonight, if his temperature goes below a hundred degrees by morning we can discharge him. He should make a full recovery.” 

Buck grips at a railing on the wall to keep himself standing. “So...it’s not?” 

The doctor shakes his head. “No cancer. He’s gonna’ be just fine Mr. Buckley.” 

Buck nods, numbly. “Thank you.” he needs to sit down. His knees are practically buckling under his weight. 

The doctor talks some more, but Buck can’t hear the rest over the roaring in his head. 

He texts Maddie as soon as the doctor walks away. Tells her everything is fine, that Christopher is going to be ok, not to bother coming after all. 

Buck enters the room again, sees Christopher lying there, looking so small in that hospital bed, and wants to scoop him up into his arms and cry and cry. Instead he lets him sleep, sits at his bedside and watches him breathe in and out, peacefully. 

A few minutes later Buck’s phone buzzes several times in a row. It’s Eddie. Eddie’s calling. He picks up. 

“Buck? Hey, is everything alright? I got your texts--actually the whole team did, you’re on speaker.” 

“Hey, yeah, no it’s um, everything is fine now.” Buck tries to keep his voice steady, because everything  _ is  _ fine now, there was never any real cause for concern. Everything is fine. It’s all fine. So why does he still feel like an elephant is sitting on top of his chest? 

“What were those missed calls about? You sure everything’s ok?” 

Buck lets out a strangled sob he doesn’t mean to. 

On the other line he hears a series of concerned voices from the team. 

“I’m sorry,” he can’t stop now, the tears just keep coming. “It’s been a long fucking day but I promise everything is alright now.” 

“Where are you?” 

Buck gives them the address of the hospital. “Everything’s fine.” he repeats. “The doctor just wanted to run some tests but nothing’s wrong.” he wishes he weren’t crying, because he knows for sure he’s freaking Eddie out, but he physically can’t stop. 

The whole day he’s wanted to break down and cry and now it’s over. 

Everything is alright, his world is no longer on the verge of falling apart, and the relief from that is insane. 

But there’s also all this grief--grief he’s been fighting since the pediatrician said the word ‘leukemia’ with such certainty--and it’s all coming up at once. 

Sobs wrack his frame, and he’s trying so hard to be quiet because he’s going to wake Christopher up, and he needs his rest. “Can you just come over here, please?” his voice in small, pleading. 

“We’re on our way, Buck. Keep talking to me, what happened?” 

Buck shudders, “The tests all came back negative. Christopher just has a virus. Doctor just told me a few minutes ago. They’re gonna’ discharge him in the morning. He’s sleeping.” 

“Negative? For what?” 

Buck shakes his head. He doesn’t want to say it over the phone. “Just...he’s fine now. Are you almost here?” the 118 isn’t too far from this hospital, maybe a five minute drive, ten if there’s traffic. He hopes there isn’t any traffic. He can’t stand one more minute of being alone. 

“At the entrance, Buck. Where are you?” 

“Room 226.” he hangs up after that because he can’t breathe and he doesn’t want Eddie or the team to worry when there’s nothing they can do. Buck covers his face with his hands and sits at the windowsill. He needs some air but these damn windows don’t open more than three inches. 

Less than five minutes later the entire 118 crew is filling up the hospital room. Eddie goes straight to Christopher, who’s still soundly asleep. He kisses him on his forehead and gently lays a hand in the fluff that is his sons’ hair. 

Hen and Chim study the chart at the end of Christopher’s bed. 

Bobby makes his way to Buck and puts a big warm hand on his shoulder. “Hey, c’mere, what’s wrong?” 

Buck can’t right now. He shakes his head. “I’ll be back.” he practically dashes from the room, skips the elevator and takes the emergency exit stairs and keeps on going until he’s outside of the ER, bent at the waist, hands on his knees. He can’t catch his breath. All day he’s been trying to breathe. 

Why is it so hard to breathe? 

“Buck?” 

Buck startles, turning around so fast it makes him sway. 

Eddie is standing there, looking like he’s been suckerpunched. “Jesus Christ Buck, they tested him for leukemia?” Hen or Chim must have told him. 

Buck lets out another sob, this one isn’t stifled, it’s almost violent. “Pediatrician said the bloodwork pointed to leukemia, he said to get to the hospital as soon as possible.” he’s exhausted. He’s been so wound tight for the last ten hours since he got the potential news. Letting go of that tension is actually physically painful at this point. 

Eddie blinks back tears. “Buck, I can’t--I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. That you had to do all that alone today. Fuck.” Eddie pulls his boyfriend into a tight embrace, heart sinking. He should have been there. The thought of going through an entire day of thinking the absolute worst for Christopher, not having anyone else by his side the whole time, just mind clawing frantically at panic? It’s horrendous. “Baby I’m so so sorry, jesus.” 

Buck cries until it hurts, and then some. He’s taller than Eddie by a few inches, but right now he feels so terribly small, tucked into strong arms, letting himself feel the terror of the day for the first time. “Christopher doesn’t know.” he cries. “I just told him the tests were to make sure he was ok--I didn’t tell him about the--” he breaks off with another sob. “I’m really glad you’re here now.” he burrows his face into Eddie’s shoulder and tries to get his breathing back to normal. 

Eddie rubs up and down his back, murmuring half-comforts in spanish until Buck has stopped trembling. 

They make their way back inside after a few moments--Eddie doesn’t want to rush him, but Buck is anxious to get back to Christopher. 

The rest of the crew are still inside, watching over Christopher like hawks, Maddie is there too, now, thankfully having ignored his text. 

Before they step inside completely Bobby meets them at the door. “You mind if I take him for a minute?” he asks Eddie. “He looks like he could use something to drink.” 

Eddie shakes his head. He kisses Buck tenderly before letting Bobby lead him into the hall. 

Buck sits on a bench and waits for Bobby to come back with juice and a bag of chips. “Here, try to get some of that down, bud.” 

Buck doesn’t think he can stomach much; he leaves the chips on the side but does take the apple juice he’s offered. His throat is achy and the juice feels nice going down. He hadn’t realized how dehydrated he was until now. 

Bobby takes a seat next to him. “I’m sorry you had to go through today all by yourself, Buck. But for whatever it counts--the nurse told me you were solid as a rock for Christopher--I’m really proud of you, kid.” 

“I was so scared Bobby. I just kept thinking worst case scenario, over and over in this awful loop, and--” his breathe hitches. “I’m so relieved it wasn’t.” Buck shudders. 

Bobby puts an arm around his shoulder and pulls him down against him. “You did good today, Buck. I’m here for you now, you can relax.” 

Buck feels the last bit of tension he’s been carrying all day finally leave his shoulder as he buries the side of his head into Bobby’s chest and lets out a few more tears. This awful no good day is over, and his family is here. Everything is going to be ok. Christopher is going to be ok. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :)


End file.
